Move
A Sarah Pity Party and plea is about to ensue. Please proceed at your own caution or just stop reading all together. In looking back over my last several posts I have found a trend. Each one is me attempting to bolster myself back up into being me again. Why isn’t it WORKING?!
I have good days and I have bad days. The good days make me feel exceptional and normal. The bad days are much more frequent and I feel like junk. I am an optimistic person and this is very out of character.
Honestly, I hadn’t intended on posting this entry. It was simply for my benefit and release. Sometimes just by seeing things on paper it makes it real and also lets me explode and rant in a “dignified” manner. Because my self-therapy isn’t working all that well (evidently my fancy psychology degree doesn’t work on me) I’m going to crawl on the virtual couch and let you all have a whack at fixing me. Riddle me this, Batman; I’m missing something. I can’t figure out where I lost it, although I know when it happened. I can’t put my finger on exactly what I’ve lost, but I feel a definite hole where it used to be.
In the distant past I was the girl that was up before dawn with a smile on her face, ready to conquer the world, or at least conquer my little corner of it. I was the girl that didn’t let anything get in the way of my goals. My discipline was unshakable, unwavering. Missing a run was unthinkable. Missing CrossFit was unheard of. That girl left me. She got tired of my snot-faced, exhausted, sniveling, faint-hearted self and left me here. Without that “it” person I can’t figure anything out. Wrong or right, my identity and self-worth were tied so inextricably to this girl that without her I do nothing. Nothing. I sleep in the mornings and I find any excuse in the book to stay curled up in the fetal position until she comes back. Some of you out there are probably seeing red flags- wait, does she only find her self-worth when she exercises? No, that’s not it. I look at it like this…once you do something long enough it becomes the normal. It becomes your normal, your homeostasis. Like a drug, I’m accustomed to having that level of adrenaline in my body at all times. When all is normal, when my level of normal is achieved, I can reach for other things higher than myself. Like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, exercise and diet are the bottom level for me. They must be achieved to move forward.
The hard part about all of this is that when I’m there and I’m doing it- running, CrossFit, rowing, whatever it may be, I feel so good. I feel like myself again. I feel worthwhile and happy. I look forward to the next day when I can do it all over again. And then I go home and I get tired. And I sleep. And I’m exhausted and I don’t have that inner Sarah to push me out again so I don’t. Heart to heart, folks, I’m just faking my life right now. My husband knows it’s not the real me he just doesn’t know how to fix me either. I don’t know how to fix me because I can’t pinpoint where the problem originates. Can you?
I’m throwing excuses at the problem left and right. My heart medication is making me exhausted (could be). I got burnt out after the Memphis Marathon (could be). It’s winter and cold. I’ve had sinus issues. Excuses, excuses, excuses and not a one of them make me feel better. So here’s my question to you all, what will fix me? Have you ever been in this position and if so, how did you get back? It is not for lack of longing to be back where I was those few months ago, I just can’t seem to get over this hump and see the other side.
Come on followers, commenters, and blog lurkers alike…if you fix me I’ll send you a prize of some sort. I promise. I’ll even try to think of something awesome and lovely. I’m desperate.
TODAY I LOVE: weatherbug and superglue
SONG OF THE DAY: “Move” by Thousand Foot Krutch
No related posts.
I am here right now, except I have found my ladder and am slowly, excruciatingly reaching, stretching for the next rung to pull myself out.
I don’t know exactly what happened, but like you, I know when it happened.
My Missing Piece is routine, or self-discipline. I have made myself a weekly schedule (working from home can’t be done at the seat of your pants), and notecards that I must physically flip through for each day’s tasks. I am recording what I am spending my time on, and it is slowly working.
I’m still faking parts of my life, but I’m more and more Me again. It’s just not an overnight process.
Like they say over at Science of Sport, You are an experiment of one, and while it usually is in the context of “What works for Runner A might not work for Runner B,” I think it applies here. Routine/self-discipline is my key, but yours is probably different. I’ll be praying for you. *hugs*
One more thing. I’ve also started trying “Fake it til you make it.” It’s not so effective with exercise, but it works for all those other things… organization, for example (get one visible thing organized–faking it–and soon I’ve start getting everything else into order–making it).
hmmmm I do find myself in this predicament as well. I have found that I usually am too tired or there is some sort of medical issue, I have a thyroid condition that I wish wasn’t in my body but it is! I also get depressed over, sometimes, the stupidest things and that will put me into a major Penny funk! We all have these times! I promise!!
Alot of it could be because you are burned out and just don’t have that level of energy that you need. Why don’t you try something new!! How about swimming Do you like to swim
It might make you realize how much you miss the “things you love” or maybe a mini vacation!
There are so many things that affect us all-each person is different!! Don’t try to fix everything at once-pick one thing and take it slow!!!
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah,
While it’s nice to know that even queens have these feelings, it’s not good to hear you talk this way. I wish I had the magic wand to get you out of this but I really do believe you wouldn’t let me wave it. Why? Because you know this is a life lesson you are learning and you need to go through this to get somewhere new. Me thinks you are growing and these are the pains of transition. Maybe you are moving from being motivated by self-image to being motivated by pure love of exercise. Maybe you’re looking for your motivation in the wrong place because it’s moved on and matured to a place where exercise is a part of your life and not something that you have to do. Counting those calorie intakes and burns doesn’t get you going anymore because it’s so much more than that now. It’s a part of who you are and you do it because you love it. You’re transitioning now so it seems like you have no motivation but my guess is you will find it soon and it will be better than before. You are such a wonderful athlete and an even better person.
My two cents…. You are growing, ride this out and see where the winds carry you. I bet you’ll like it.
Since you’re still on the couch I’ll add one other bit of advice that I’m sure you already know. Focus on others when you’re down. Lifting someone else up always makes you feel better when you are in the dumps. You can’t eat/drink/cry your way out of the blues but you can compliment/motivate/encourage your way out. Just a reminder….
Hang in there sweetie – I wish I had the magic answer for you! I do have to say from sinus-issue experience, it’s the pits and when you don’t feel good it’s easy to let everything else fall down or get behind, then you get frustrated at yourself for not being on top of your game but yet don’t have the energy to do anything about it…..because you don’t feel good then you feel sad or frustrated or both.
For me, it takes me lowering my standards a bit. When I look at what I can and do get done rather than focusing on what I would have like to get done but didn’t it makes me feel better.