Paperweight
I wasn’t going to say anything until after tomorrow, but somehow news leaks. What starts out as a slow trickle of information turns into a waterfall and then I’m getting questions left and right. So, I’m just going to lay it all out here and be done with it. That’s the easiest answer, right?
Last week I had an appointment with my cardiologist, Dr. Cherla. She was, yet again, concerned and disappointed that my current medication is not working and my condition continues to decline. Although the drug (Propranolol) has eliminated most of my actual fainting spells, I’m still dizzy a large amount of time and the side effects associated with the drug are less than pleasant. We’ve exhausted all avenues of treatment except for one and she refuses to proceed until more doctors concur with the judgment- pacemaker. (I do too.) Therefore, she decided to do a couple o things: 1) stop the Propranolol, 2) started me on the medication Midodrine, and 3) referred me to a doctor at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. The new medication, Midodrine, I have to take 3 times a day and it’s purpose is to increase my blood pressure. Honestly, I’m not sure how this medication will help me as it is my heart rate that is my problem, not my blood pressure. However, at this point I’m open to anything. The mechanics of the medication are a bit inconvenient. It must be taken exactly 3 times a day, 4 hours apart, and the last pill must be taken prior to 4pm. If taken after that deadline it runs too close to bedtime and this medicine raises your blood pressure too much while laying down. It would be uncomfortable and prevent sleep.
With all the medicine changes (coming off one and starting another) I’ve felt alright until yesterday. Today I feel terrible. I can only pray it is temporary.
Tomorrow I go see Dr. Timothy Smith at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis. I googled him and he seems to be a reputable doctor. His specialty is in heart rhythm abnormalities, pacemakers, and defibrillators. Every hour I have a new feeling on this. I’m excited and hopeful that there is a possibility a new doctor can find the appropriate treatment for me but I’m also nervous, terrified, and skeptical. I want an answer so badly. These last few months it’s been hard to combat the overwhelming fury and resentment I have that I should have to deal with this when I try so hard to be healthy. On the flipside, some days I’m at peace with it all that this is just my lot in life and I need to make the best of it.
After a great weekend with Ryan and lots of talks with him and God, I’m resigned to the fact that if a pacemaker is what it’s going to take to make me better then let’s do it. It’s not the end of the world and if it makes my quality of life better than it is now then I’m all for it. That is not to say that I’m not terrified. Sticking wires in your heart is a big deal. Depending on a battery pack to make your heart beat is a big deal. It’s also irreversible. Therefore, the doctor does have to be right when they make this decision because no matter the outcome I will be stuck with it. I’m jumping ahead of myself, it has just been presented to me that this is a possibility and I’m adjusting to the idea. I pray that the visit to St. Louis will give me answers. And peace.
TODAY I LOVE: Possibilities and prayer
SONG OF THE DAY: “Paperweight” by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk
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I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow as you travel to St. Louis – and that song is my favorite, perhaps sometime soon Matt and I will sing it for you, live
Sarah, your FIL told me about your situation and I have already begun to pray for you and for your doctor to have God’s wisdom about what you need to have done. All the Whisler clan loves you and the Glidwell clan!
Everything will be fine, I just know it. You’ll get through this. Love that you are still writing with an upbeat style. Please try to keep that.