Gossip in the Grain
Defeat
When I was a kid I played basketball. I did. For as long as I can remember in elementary school, junior high, and the beginnings of high school I was out there running around in too-short wool red shorts, running suicides on the gym floor, and attempting to learn offensive plays that were always named after popular college basketball schools. If you know me the fact that I played a sport is weird because I’m like the least aggressive person you’ve ever met. The thing is, I’ve been the height that I am now since like 5th grade. It was ridiculous how fast I grew and then was stuck there. I was the kid that stood out like a crazy gray hair on a beautiful head of hair that comprised our class pictures. That was the reason the coaches wanted me to play; I was tall. In theory it was a good thing- I was tall therefore I could rebound and push people around. However, my lack of aggression and lackadaisical attitude acted against the coaches wishes. My mom loves to remind me of how I would skip down the court to the post. Yes, I skipped. It’s probably on video somewhere. Coach “Red”, as we called him, would occasionally throw basketballs at my head during game warm-ups just to make me mad enough to play. It never worked.
I don’t really know why I’m telling you that story other than the fact that after a defeating training session I’m questioning what makes a real athlete. What differentiates a person from an occasional fitness buff to an athlete? I don’t think I’m there and it makes me so depressed.
Sometimes I walk into the CrossFit gym that I love so much and wonder why on earth I am there. Do I really belong? On one hand I can see so much progress in me from where I started but then on the other I see a gal too scared or too chicken to step her toes over the line to becoming a real athlete. The moves are so fast, so furious, so intense…pushing my body and mind right to the edge of the cliff. It hurts and so I stop. I never push through. I never jump. I’m the girl skipping down the court again and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. It makes me so angry. My heart wasn’t into it this evening and I think my mood transferred to Coach B also. I’m so mad I could cry right now and it’s all my own fault.
Because I managed to strain my IT Band during the half marathon this past weekend in St. Louis I was forced to have my training tonight not using my legs at all. I’m trying really hard to let my leg heal so that I can come back out of the gate well next week. Tonight we did all arms and back and these deceptively hard ab things called dead bugs (if you watch the video, I did the advanced version at the end.) My upper body is so freaking weak it is sad. It is depressing. Just about the time I start feeling pretty good about things I get knocked right back down. We worked on dreaded pull ups for a while and I really suck. Poor Coach B was getting just as much of a workout as I was since he was hefting my fat butt up above the bar. Again, what makes an athlete? The fact that I was trying what I thought was my hardest or the fact that I still can’t do it?
I found the proverbial line in running and I crossed it. I learned how to deal with the pain, when to keep pushing, and how. It’s all mental and I did it. I found the mental discipline a whole lot faster for running than I am for CrossFit. Why is that? Why am I struggling so? Tonight I felt like a hack; an observer and an outsider. I was merely on the edges watching the real people tackle something challenging. I was doing a challenging workout and it defeated me. I let it.
I’m not looking for any answers to my questions I just needed to throw them out there. Sometimes I feel like a girl playing at being an athlete. Like it’s a pair of shoes I’m trying on to see if they fit. Even though it is not my personality to be aggressive, I didn’t like disappointing Coach Red all those years ago. And even though you will rarely see me without a smile on my face or in my eyes, I don’t like disappointing Coach B either. I like disappointing myself even less.
I have work to do; mentally and physically.
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I hear you Sarah.
For me, I’d wish I had started earlier in life. My turnaround came 6 years ago. Since then I’ve been going forwards and backwards in my overall training. I’ve resolved that I’ll probably never be able to get to the point that I’ll be able to do prescribed. I’ve pushed and sometimes to far and have gotten severe headaches. For me, there is a point that my body will not let me get past. And for the most point, I’m okay with that. The important thing is I’m trying…and that’s something you need to realize, too. You’re doing things most people wouldn’t even attempt. Just like running half and full marathons…or snatches, clean and jerks, etc. Be satisfied in that accomplishment…and should you’re body once in a while let you go a little further, all the better.
Sometimes CrossFit can have that effect. I still can’t get the dreaded pull up and every time I see ANOTHER girl get the kip down it kills me. I, like you, must remind myself of the progress I’ve made and just keep working from there. Chin up girlie, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for!
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