I have good days and I have bad days. The good days make me feel exceptional and normal. The bad days are much more frequent and I feel like junk. I am an optimistic person and this is very out of character.

Honestly, I hadn’t intended on posting this entry. It was simply for my benefit and release. Sometimes just by seeing things on paper it makes it real and also lets me explode and rant in a “dignified” manner. Because my self-therapy isn’t working all that well (evidently my fancy psychology degree doesn’t work on me) I’m going to crawl on the virtual couch and let you all have a whack at fixing me. Riddle me this, Batman; I’m missing something. I can’t figure out where I lost it, although I know when it happened. I can’t put my finger on exactly what I’ve lost, but I feel a definite hole where it used to be.

In the distant past I was the girl that was up before dawn with a smile on her face, ready to conquer the world, or at least conquer my little corner of it. I was the girl that didn’t let anything get in the way of my goals. My discipline was unshakable, unwavering. Missing a run was unthinkable. Missing CrossFit was unheard of. That girl left me. She got tired of my snot-faced, exhausted, sniveling, faint-hearted self and left me here. Without that “it” person I can’t figure anything out. Wrong or right, my identity and self-worth were tied so inextricably to this girl that without her I do nothing. Nothing. I sleep in the mornings and I find any excuse in the book to stay curled up in the fetal position until she comes back. Some of you out there are probably seeing red flags- wait, does she only find her self-worth when she exercises? No, that’s not it. I look at it like this…once you do something long enough it becomes the normal. It becomes your normal, your homeostasis. Like a drug, I’m accustomed to having that level of adrenaline in my body at all times. When all is normal, when my level of normal is achieved, I can reach for other things higher than myself. Like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, exercise and diet are the bottom level for me. They must be achieved to move forward.

The hard part about all of this is that when I’m there and I’m doing it- running, CrossFit, rowing, whatever it may be, I feel so good. I feel like myself again. I feel worthwhile and happy. I look forward to the next day when I can do it all over again. And then I go home and I get tired. And I sleep. And I’m exhausted and I don’t have that inner Sarah to push me out again so I don’t. Heart to heart, folks, I’m just faking my life right now. My husband knows it’s not the real me he just doesn’t know how to fix me either. I don’t know how to fix me because I can’t pinpoint where the problem originates. Can you?

I’m throwing excuses at the problem left and right. My heart medication is making me exhausted (could be). I got burnt out after the Memphis Marathon (could be). It’s winter and cold. I’ve had sinus issues. Excuses, excuses, excuses and not a one of them make me feel better. So here’s my question to you all, what will fix me? Have you ever been in this position and if so, how did you get back? It is not for lack of longing to be back where I was those few months ago, I just can’t seem to get over this hump and see the other side.

Come on followers, commenters, and blog lurkers alike…if you fix me I’ll send you a prize of some sort. I promise. I’ll even try to think of something awesome and lovely. I’m desperate.

TODAY I LOVE: weatherbug and superglue
SONG OF THE DAY: “Move” by Thousand Foot Krutch